Saturday, March 10, 2012

An Apple with a Moustache Is Scary...

At least, so said the children's book I recently unearthed during a weekend at the homestead with Snookie. (For those not in the loop (there's a loop?), Snookie (rhymes with Snoopy) is my Mom. Yes...I know... but you have to understand that Mom was representing as Snookie long before the horror known as Snooki (rhymes with nookie) began carving her swath of destruction. And Mom chafes to no end that her name has been so blemished... and that her children can now find excuses to send her youtube clips with titles such as "Snookie gets punched."
Mom has been a big supporter of the shop and my bizarro vision of what it should be, even if she didn't agree.  When I first had team kits made, she declared (in a genteel southern accent so heavy that some people think she's from Maine) "well ah want to be a spon-sah, Watts." So... Since the days of Friendly Bike and the infamous and endlessy baffling "winged-dharma-wheel-angry-fists-of-friendly-doom" logo that I made up for the first run...

... Snookie has been a part of the jersey. Perhaps next year she'll up her sponsorship and we'll make Snookie front and center. "Snookie's Revolting Cogs." haha... damn, that's kind of rad. (Yes... I just said rad. What of it? Come at me, Bro! I'll punch you like Snooki.)

But I digress. (yikes.)
"An apple with a moustache is scary."
The aforementioned children's book was titled Some Things are Scary, and was one of those things that stuck with me all through my child hood.

I've learned many many things in my many many years. And I've forgotten even more. Three years of Spanish? Two semesters of calculus? I couldn't solve a calculus problem right now if you held a gun to my head. And yet.... for reasons I can't quite fathom, I can name every minor, bizarre and ancillary character every made into a Star Wars toy. I guess that some things.... regardless of how minute and tangential they might be just have a certain impact on our psyche's and memories. This book, for reasons I don't understand, stayed with me. (Along with Tikki Tikki Tembo (No Sa Rembo Chari Bari Ruchi Pip Pari Pembo.)
And when I visit home, I always pull it out to read to Milo for bed time. He likes it... but only time will tell if it has the same lasting effect.
The art in Some Things are Scary is pretty odd. Kind of unfinished and stark. But super creepy, illustrating effectively entries such as...."Skeletons are scary." "Knowing someone is about to jump out and say "boo!" is scary." "Stepping on something squishy in the water is scary." "Strangers at the door are scary." (I don't know if this is actually one?) and the one that has haunted me forever.... "Seeing an apple with a moustache is scary."
I tried to find the illustration, but alas... to no avail. It was a bowl of apples, and in profile you see that one has a little pin prick eye and a moustache.

(editor's note: I did eventually find the photo, and in light of a bizarre influx of traffic to this particular post for reasons I can't quite figure out, I'll go ahead and put it here for posterity.)

And they were right... an apple with a moustache IS scary. Because what?! How?! Why?!
(incidentally... finding ways to relate this complete nonsense to cycling... this was one of the first images to appear when I typed "an apple with a moustache is scary" into The Google.

So... anyway. There's that. (I have no idea....)

Please forgive the verbosity. I've had a Dead Guy (or four.)
So....Why am I talking about moustachioed apples? And how can it possibly relate to either bicycles or the bike shop? Glad you asked, friend. Glad you asked.
Tomorrow (today, at the time of publication. I had to edit, as the four Dead Guy's turned to six. I know... big Friday. Sitting at home, having some beers, listening to High On Fire, and "writing." It's hard to find time for that kind during the week. I loved it.)
Ahem... TODAY....the shop will be hosting a Beard and Moustache Ride in conjunction with The Beard and Moustache Club's Beard and Moustache Competition.
One of the greatest logos EVER.

Beards (and tattoos) have always held a strange gravity for me ever since I first heard the band LUNGFISH back in the early 90's. Sitting there in my room, listening to Talking Songs for Walking (an album title that pretty much nails Lungfish's sound), I was endlessly fascinated by the band photo. I just sat there staring at it and particularly at front man Daniel Higgs.
At the time I didn't even know he was the frontman. I was sitting there trying to imagine who was singing and because the concept of a beard in punk rock was so completely foreign to me, I had him pegged as the weird drummer. Something... anything but the singer.
This isn't the photo... I can't find it anywhere. But you get the idea.

You have to understand... this was the early 90's. No one in punk rock... especially my narrow vision of it, had facial hair. Maybe some metal bands... or the lead singer of Nausea.... but for the most part, such a thing was completely foreign to me.
Not only was Daniel Higgs beard of note... but in the particular group photo (which I will find, I promise) his beard barely hides an enormous lotus flower tattooed on his throat. You could make out that his arms and hands were covered in tattoos. I was blown away by it, and was drawn to that aesthetic immensely. Now? This band photo looks like any others... beards have become if not in vogue, than acceptable accoutremonts to a punk rock aesthetic. And I suspect that Daniel Higgs had a pretty large part in that. (Perhaps most fascinating about the picture was the fact that, by all appearances, Daniel was wearing two pairs of pants. One over the other. To this day I don't know what to make of that.)

The weak curls that cover my face from time to time are, to my eyes, a disgrace to beards and moustaches everywhere. But I often try, regardless. 
And today, in honor of Daniel Higgs and his magnificent beard...And all of the bearded and moustachioed brethren (and sistren) about to descend upon this city... I'll wear it in the spirit of comraderie. And hopefully there will be a long line of Beardos on bikes rolling behind me... making people look twice... and bringing awareness to two things that probably need to find more purchase in the mind of this city: Bikes and Beards.

1 comment:

  1. I have an idea....

    That's the stache source. I won BTW.